Forgive me father for i have sinned. “go on” says the priest. “I swore the other day” says the man. “continue” says the priest. “I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway”. “and this is when you swore?” asked the priest. “No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough” continued the man. “this must have been when you swore?” the priest exclaimed. “No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it” continued the man. “Ahhh I see” says the priest “this must have been the point where you swore” “Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole” The priest pauses for a few seconds “you missed the fucking putt didn’t you?”

——-

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A 90-year old man walks into a Catholic church confessional. ‘Father,’ he says, ‘I’m 90 years old…been married for 70 years. Yesterday two college girls picked me up at the store. We drove to a motel and I screwed them both!’

‘And are you remorseful?’ asks the priest. ‘Hell no.’ ‘So then what do you think of these sins?’ the priest asks. ‘What sins?’ asks the man. After a slight pause the priest says, ‘my son, what kind of Catholic are you?’ ‘I’m not, I’m an Atheist.’

Confused, the priest finally asks, ‘so why are you telling me this?’ ‘Are you kidding?’ replies the man. ‘I’m 90 years old and I screwed two young girls at once. I’m telling EVERYBODY!’

——-

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Two Polish hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

The hunters objected strongly saying, “Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both…and he had exactly the same airplane as yours.”

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded. However, even under full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, “Any idea where we are?”

Stosh replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

“““““

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An Australian Man Comes to the US , and on his second day here he’s driving down the wrong side of the road and BAAAM!! he slams head on into another car. Both drivers get out and the Australian apologizes saying “Sawrry mate, I just came from Australia”. The American yells “What the hell man did you come here to die?”. The Australlian answers “No I came here yesterdie”.

^^^^^^

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