A man is stretched out on his back across four seats in a theater. The usher comes down and says, ”Mister, you will have to get out of those four seats. You are only entitled to one.”

The man only grunts and does not move. The manager comes down and says to the man, ”Mister, you will have to get up. All you are entitled to is one seat.” The man grunts and does not move.

Finally a policeman is called in. He walks down the aisle and says to the man who is still on the four seats, ”Get out of those seats!”

The man grunts, and policeman says, ”Okay, wise guy, where are you from?” The man moans and says, ”The balcony.”

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Two patients at an old age home (let’s call them John and Mary), have always been close to one another. One day John tells Mary, “Since we are such close friends, I hope that you aren’t embarrassed by this request. My penis is feeling awfully numb and I was hoping that you would hold it for me.”

Mary replies, “Of course, John” She takes his junk in her hand and they sit there doing nothing else. Over the next few weeks this becomes a regular event. One day Mary finds another woman holding John’s penis for him. She is outraged. “After all this time you replace me so easily with this woman!” she cries. “What does she have that I don’t?” John smiles at her. “Parkinson’s” he replies.

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Two magicians walk into a bakery. The first palms 3 donuts. He then snidely challenges the other magician to perform a trick of equal benefit. The second magician then calls the baker and asks for 3 donuts if he’d like to see a magic trick.

The baker does his part and provides the donuts. The magician then eats the donuts and exclaims “Ta-Dah.” The bakery is angered and asks “Well what’s the magic trick?” The second magician replies “Look in my friend’s pocket.”

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A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he’s getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: ‘My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. It’ll simply never be the same again!’

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

‘I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,’ he says. ‘You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.’

‘How can you say such a thing at a time like this?’ sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, ‘Didn’t you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you?’

The lawyer looks down in horror.

‘FUCKING HELL!’ he screams……..’My Rolex!!!’

^^^^^^

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