A man (lets call him Jay. Jay was not a good man, but I digress) finds himself in hell and as he’s walking around he notices Hitler and Stalin sitting at a table and arguing furiously about something. Being that he’s in hell he thinks to himself “Fuck it, I’m in hell so im gonna see what has Hitler so up in arms.”

He walks over to the table, sits down and says “Whats going on here? Why the big fight?” Hitler looks up and says “During my time as fuhrer i killed 6 million jews and 3 clowns.” Jay stops him and says “Wait why did you kill the 3 clowns?” Hitler gets a smug look on his face, looks over at Stalin and says “You see I told you nobody gives a fuck about the jews!

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn’t wear a balaclava. he told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them. one foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promptly shot him. The robber asked if anyone else had seen his face. One customer, gazing intently at the ground, said “I think my wife got a glimpse”

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These two guys are drinking in a bar 30 floors up in a skyscraper. One guy turns to the other and says, “did you know that the wind is really unique around this particular skyscraper?” “How so?” asks the other. “Well, somehow, the updraft is so strong that you can jump out the window and it will carry you right back up.”

“Bullshit,” says the other. “No really! I’ll prove it to you!” says the first guy. Then he gets up, opens the window and jumps out. The second runs up and watches out the window, as the first guy falls down past ten floors, than slowly stops, and drifts back up. “See? I told you so.” The second guys downs his drink and says, “Jesus, I gotta try this!” Then he jumps out the window and falls past ten floors, then twenty floors, then, with a scream, he falls past the last ten floors and splats on the ground. The first guy sits down and orders a drink. As he’s serving it to him, the bartender says, “Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk.”

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So Tom goes to his doctor for his annual physical while sitting in the examining room he notices a large machine with a lot of lights and buttons looking more complicated than the space shuttle cockpit. The doctor walks in and explains that the this new machine can diagnose every possible ailment with just a urine sample.

Tom produces the sample the doctor puts it into the machine. After a few moments of flashing lights and whirring noises the machine produces a small printout. The doctor informs Tom that he has tennis elbow. “Tennis elbow that’s ridiculous I have never even played tennis doc I think your machine is broken” The doc explains that this machine is very accurate but if Tom would like to submit another sample tomorrow That would be all right. So the doctor gave Tom a sample cup to bring home to make it easier. On His Way Home Tom got really angry about the whole thing, pissed off at the whole notion that a machine could replace a doctor so he decides to teach this doc and his machine a lesson. He gets home and has his wife and daughter pee in the cup he pees in the cup somehow he gets the family dog to pee in the cup. He takes the dipstick out of his car swirls that in the cup, and to top it off Tom rubs one out into the cup.

The next day Tom feeling father smug watches as the doctor puts the sample in the machine. He laughs to himself as all the lights and noises are going on and when the printout surfaces he braces himself for the win that is coming. “So what’s the verdict ?” Well you are over due for an oil change, your daughter is pregnant, your wife has gonorrhea, your dog has worms and if you don’t stop jerking off that tennis elbow is never going away.

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