‘You know what?’ says the 5 year old, ‘I think it’s about time we started swearing.’

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

‘When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?’

‘Ok’ the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.

‘Shit mum, I don’t know, I suppose I’ll have some Fruit Loops ‘

WHACK…she spanks him

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, ‘And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?’

‘I don’t know mum, but it won’t be fuc#ing Fruit Loops’

“““““

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Man has to put his father in a nursing home, and so a week later, the man goes to visit his father.

The man is walking down the hall, and he sees his father sitting at the end of the hall between two orderlies.

As he walks closer, his father falls over on his left side, and the orderly on that side props him back up.

The man continues walking, and sees his father tip over to the right side, and the orderly on that side props him back upright.

As he is a few steps away, he sees his father start leaning forward, and both orderlies lock arms with his father, and pull him back upright into a sitting position.

The man arrives at his father, and says “Wow, Dad, it looks like they are taking very good care of you.” and his father replies “Sure they are, but they won’t let me fart!”

“““““

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A guy is cruising along the California coast, when he asks God for just one wish, for being a good and honest man.

God actually replies, “OK…just one wish!”

The guy is shocked, and just blurts out the first thing that comes to mind… “A bridge to Hawaii!”

God says “Erm…that’s a lot of work…plus, people would notice. I’m supposed to work in mysterious ways, know what I mean? How about something else…”

“OK…how about this…I want to understand women. I want to understand how they think…everything about them!”

God says, “Uh…so, yeah, you want a two-lane or a four-lane-bridge?”

——-

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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he promised that he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but she asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he advised her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey, she said, “You received a very strange postcard today.”

“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he replied. The wife obeyed, and watched her husband as he read the card. He turned white and fainted.

On the card was written:

“Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs. Two without.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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