A custodian is cleaning at the church where he works, suddenly a priest frantically approaches him

“son, i need you to do me a favor! I have a golf game I must go to but there’s a woman who just came in for confession. I need you to go into the confession booth, listen to this woman’s sins and tell her how many hail marys she must do. It’s very easy, here’s a list of sins and how many hail mary’s each sin warrents. Thanks and good luck!”

The custodian reluctantly agrees and he goes into the confession booth as the priest sneaks away to go play golf.

The woman starts confessing her sins “forgive me father for I have sinned, I lied to someone” The Custodian looks at the list, see’s ‘lying – 10 hail mary’s’ and says “my child, do 10 hail mary’s and you’re absolved from this sin”. This goes on for a while and suddenly the woman says “forgive me father for I have sinned, I gave a man a blowjob” The custodian is looking all up and down the list but doesn’t see ‘blowjob’ anywhere. Panicked, he asks the woman to excuse him for a minute. As he walks out of the confession booth he see’s an alter boy “Hey, what does father usually give for a blowjob”? he whispers. The alter boy replys “usually a snickers bar”

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A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.

He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh, you think that’s funny? Watch this.”

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she is giggling and has a smile on her face. He is getting really pissed.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she’s laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

“What’s so funny?” The truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times.”

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A deaf couple in bed with the lights out are having trouble communicating to each other about whether or not they want to have sex. The husband has tried on a few nights, when the wife just isn’t in the mood.

The wife decides that they need to have a system, so that they will know, in the dark, whether sex is an option for that night.

The wife explains to the husband, “If you’re not in the mood for sex, squeeze my breasts once; if you’re in the mood, squeeze them twice.”

The husband agrees that this is a great idea, and suggests to her, “If you’re in the mood for sex, pull on my penis once. If you’re not in the mood for sex, pull on my penis 300 times.”

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A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Jones, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Jones had the longest private part he had ever seen.

“I’m sorry Mr. Jones,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man’s schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened up his briefcase.

“Oh my God!” she screamed. “Jones is dead!”

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