A lady walks into Macys. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her – good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Macys. He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!
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A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment.

In the bedroom there’s a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says “What’s that for?”

The guy says “That’s a talking clock. I’ll show you how it works.”

He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says “Hey asshole! It’s 3:15 in the morning!”

“““““

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Husband to wife: “Would you have married me if I hadn’t inherited my father’s fortune” Wife: ” Honey, I would have married you no matter whose fortune you inherited!”

—————–

A man and a woman are lying in bed late night and the woman asks her man: “Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?” and the man responds calmly: “Neither, baby, I prefer you.”

—————–

Wife: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”

Husband: “Definitely not!”

Wife: “Why not – don’t you like being married?”

Husband: “Of course I do.”

Wife: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”

Husband: “Okay, I’d get married again.”

Wife: “You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).”

Husband: (makes audible groan).

Wife: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”

Husband: “Where else would we sleep?”

Wife: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”

Husband: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”

Wife: “Would she use my golf clubs?”

Husband: “No, of course not. She’s left-handed.”

“““““

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My Grandpa Always told me.

Find a woman who is smart.

Find a woman who is great in bed.

Find a woman who loves you for who you are.

And make sure none of these women ever meet.