I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth. Frogs are good bass bait, so, knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with a frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head. Then I took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

So, I grabbed some weed, and blew some smoke its mouth. Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp.

I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake…with two frogs.

——-

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A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term.

“Alright class, I’d like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday. Remember, you’re not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first.”

So Jamie excitedly stood up and said

“I went on a choo-choo!”

The teacher grimaced and replied

“No Jamie, you rode on a train. Remember, grown-up words. Sarah, you next. What did you do?”

Sarah stood up and exclaimed

“I went to see my granny!”

Again the teacher pulled a face and said

“No Sarah, you went to visit your Grandmother. You’re not in nursery any more, no baby words please. Jimmy, let’s hear you?”

Jimmy got up and said

“I read a book!”

The teacher smiled.

“Very good Jimmy! Can you remember what the book was called?”

Jimmy smiled with confidence and proudly shouted

“Winnie the SHIT.”

“““““

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I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami.”

She told me, “We can’t do that!”

I told her, “Well you did it last week!”

~Henny Youngman

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall.

One of them says, “Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick.”

“How did you get it fixed?”

“Well, I just dipped my finger in the cow’s vagina and rubbed it all over the bull’s nose and he got right after her.”

Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow’s vagina and rubs it all around the bull’s nose.

The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.

That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can’t get the effect on the bull out of his mind.

As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife’s vagina and feeling that it’s nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on.

He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, “Honey, look!”

She rolls over, turns on the light and says, “You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?”

“““““

Toe Fungus Cure at Fungus-Cure.com