A man who lost his hat decided the easiest way to replace it was to steal it.

So he goes to the local church in search of a hat. A sermon about the ten commandments was going on as he made his way to the cloakroom. He stopped, thought for a moment, and changed his mind.

Upon seeing the pastor, the man walks up to him and says, “Father, I must say, your sermon saved me from doing something wrong. I came here with sin in my heart, but your sermon showed me the error of my ways.” Upon hearing this, the pastor congratulates him and asks him what specifically made him change his mind, to which the man replies, “You see, I lost my hat and came here to steal one from the cloakroom. But when you got to the ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’ part, I suddenly remembered where I left my hat.”

“””””

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A plane full of passengers is ready to take off. After waiting a few minutes, the passengers see what they think is the pilot enter the cockpit with a dog.

The passengers are somewhat confused and ask the flight attendant why the pilot has a dog. The flight attendant explains “Oh, that wasn’t the pilot. This plane is completely operated by a sophisticated AI computer. There is no need for pilots. Only one man and a dog.”

“If it is completely automated, what is the man for?”

“His job was to feed the dog.”

“So what’s the dog for?”

“To bite the man if he tries to touch anything.”

“””””

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A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant. “Nothing,” the woman answered “I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”

“””””

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A man wakes up hungover, with no memory of coming home. He realizes he’s fully clothed in bed. He sees one of the lamps on a bedside table is broken, and he smells like he was sick on himself. He sits up and sees muddy tracks leading to his bed.

The man groans and holds his head, knowing he’s going to be in big trouble with his wife. She then enters the bedroom with a glass of water and some aspirin. “Here sweetie, you probably need this” she says, handing it to him. “Sounds like you had a fun night. When you feel like it, I have your favorite breakfast in the kitchen, you can lay back down and I’ll bring it to you in bed. I had my mom pick up the kids so you can have some peace and quiet, and after you clean up and feel better, I was thinking we could fool around and I’ll do that thing for you that you like.”

The man is baffled that she is being so nice to him. Suspicious, he asks what happened last night
“Around 2 AM I was woke up by you trying to unlock the door. I let you in and you staggered right past me and collapsed in the bed after knocking over the lamp” she says.

“I was mad but I figured I should try to undress you. Then you yelled at me.”
“I’m so sorry honey, what did I say?”

“Get your hands off of me lady, I’m married!”

“””””

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