Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today.

I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.”

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

“Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”

The second friend says, “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.”

“Wow!!” the first guy exclaimed, “Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a BJ, too?”

“Nah,” says the second friend over his meal, “I couldn’t find her head.”

“““““

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A Jewish lady calls the New York Times and says I want an obituary for my husband.

The person at the times says it’s $10 a word.

“$10 a word!” The lady exclaims.

“Fine,” she says. “Burnstein dies.”

The lady says “There is a minimum of 5 words.”

“Fine,” she grumbles. “Burnstein dies; Buick for sale.”

“““““

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The first guy walks up to the bar and sits down. The bartender asks him what hes drinking? The man says, “I’ll have a rum and coke.” The bartender then reaches behind the bar and after a couple seconds the bartender hands him and apple. “What the hell is this?! I asked you for a rum and coke, damnit!” the bartender looks to him and says, “Trust me, just eat.” “No way man this is an apple, I want my drink!” “Trust me,” says the bartender. So the guy decides, ehh why not and bites into it. “Whoa!” he exclaims. “That tastes like rum!!” “Flip it over,” says the bartender. And so he does. “Whoa!!” he exclaims again, “this side tastes like coke! That’s amazing how did you do that?” The bartender says nothing and gives the man a wink. The second guy walks in, sits down and orders a gin and tonic. then goes through the same thing as the first, and finally bites into it. “Whoa!!” he says, “that tastes like gin!” “Flip it over,” says the bartender. “That tastes like tonic! Thats amazing!” And now the third guy walks up, with the first two explaining to him how awesome this bartender is. “These apples taste just like the drinks we ordered!” exclaimed the first. “He can make it taste like anything you want!” says the second guy. “Anything?” the third guy asks? “Well Mr. Bartender, in that case, I want one that tastes like pussy!” Thinking he had him stumped the bartender shrugs, and after a couple seconds hands him an apple. He bites into it and immediately spits it out, “This apple tastes like Shit!!” he yelled. The bartender replies, “flip it over.”

——-

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A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic ! !

He really had a good time because the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off.

He read the manual but did not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument. Some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or softer, but still without success.

Panicking, he called the supplier ‘ s Customer Service Hot Line.

“Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It’s fantastic. But how can I take it off the cow’s udder?”

Customer Service replied, “Don’t worry. The machine was programmed to release automatically after collecting about two gallons of milk. “