Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.” Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.” And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

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A devoted wife spent a lifetime taking care of her husband. He had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses he motioned for her to come near.

As she say by him he said “you know what? you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, when my business failed, when I got shot, when we lost the house, when I got sick, you were always there to support me and you know what?”

“What my dear?”

“You’re freaking bad luck”

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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. “Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.” The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. “Oh, God!” she exclaims. “Take me with you!” The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise. “Ha, ha! I’m the man from the bus!” “Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume. “I’m the bus driver!”

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Man goes to his son and asks ‘Did you tip over the outhouse’?

Son says, ‘Father, I cannot tell a lie: I tipped over the outhouse into the creek’.

Father says ‘That’s it, you’re going to the woodshed for some serious ass-whuppin!’

‘But Father, George Washington told his dad the truth about chopping down the cherry tree and didn’t get punished!’

‘George Washington’s father wasn’t IN the cherry tree!’

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