On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, ‘How much money money do you make a week?’

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, ‘I make $400 a week. Why?’

The CEO said, ‘Wait right here.’ He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, ‘Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.’

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, ‘Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?’ From across the room a voice said, ‘That was the pizza delivery guy.’

“””””

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

“““““

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This guy has a monkey and he wants to go down to Florida for spring break, so him and his monkey get on this Greyhound bus and head down. On the way there’s a terrible crash. The bus drives off the road and everyone on board dies. It’s a horrible bloodbath with body parts scattered everywhere. Everyone is dead at the scene except the monkey.

The police are trying to figure out what went wrong. They have no witnesses. It was a single-vehicle accident. So they bring the monkey in to interrogate him. The detectives figure it’s a long shot, but it’s the only way they’ll ever know.

In the interrogation room, the detective sits down across from this monkey. The monkey looks back at the detective as if he’s waiting for questioning. The detective says, “This is ridiculous, but let’s give it a shot. What the hell happened on that bus?” The monkey of course, can’t talk, so he stands up and mimes dancing.

The detective says, “Dancing on the bus, so the party started a bit early?”. The monkey nods energetically!

The detective says, “Well, that could certainly be distracting. This stupid monkey is actually helping. Can you tell us anything else, monkey?”. The monkey gestures as if he’s tipping back a bottle to drink from it.

The detective says, “Drinking, dancing and the highway, that’s bad news. Anything else?” The monkey puts his thumb and forefinger together to his lips and inhales noisily, then stares at the ceiling.

The detective says, “Marijuana? They were getting high, dancing and drinking?” The monkey nods enthusiastically!

The detective says, “This is really bad, but one hell of a smart monkey. Anything else happening on that bus?” The monkey bends down to the table, plugs one side of his nose and sniffs.

The detective says, “Holy shit. Cocaine on the highway, that’s incredible! It’s no wonder they crashed! What were you doing while all this was going on, monkey?”

The monkey looks over his right shoulder, puts his two hands up in front of him and swings them back and forth, as if handling a steering wheel.

“““““

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Dugly Schwartz is dying and on his deathbed.

He is surrounded by his nurse, his wife Kathy, his daughter and two sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:

“Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.”

“Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.”

“Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.”

“Kathy, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Dugly slips away, she says to the wife, “Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property.”

Sarah replies, “Property shmoperty…the schmuck had a newspaper route.

^^^^^^

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