One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass as our food”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said. “But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”

“““““

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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church.”

The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?”

The elderly woman answered, “$10,000 a week.”

The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That’s an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?”

The woman answered proudly, “In Nevada… He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”
——-

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A man goes into a confession booth in Germany

He says “Please forgive me father for I have sinned.” The priest responded, “What is your sin my child?”

The man replies “During WWII I took in a Jewish man and hid him in my attic.” The priest then exclaims, “Good sir, that is not a sin at all.

That was a righteous burden you took upon yourself. You should be proud of your actions.”

The man hesitated for a moment and said “Well… I had him pay rent.”

The priest simply stated “That isn’t the most Christian thing to do, however it is not a sin.”

The man then smiled feeling cleared of all wrongdoing.

He got up to leave, but then paused once more and said “Father?” “Yes my child?” “Do I have to tell him that the war is over?”

^^^^^^

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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment, to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began telling their stories.

Krissy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have lots of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car. We stopped suddenly and the basket went flying and the eggs all broke and made a mess” “What’s the moral of the story?”, asked the teacher. “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket”, replied Krissy. “Very good,” said the teacher.

Next little Rachel raised her hand and said, “Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we got only ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is don’t count your chickens before they hatch.” “That was a fine story Rachel,” said the teacher.

Then the teacher turned her attention to Bobby.

“Do you have a story, Billy?” “Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Helen. Aunt Helen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She parachuted out and all she had with her was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then killed 20 more with the machete until the blade broke and THEN she killed the last 10 with her bare hands!” “Good lord!” said the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that story?”

Stay the f*** away from Aunt Helen when she’s been drinking.”

“““““

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