A police officer was tasked to train three blonde women to become detectives.

He showed them a picture of a man for five seconds before asking the first blonde how she would recognize him in the streets. “Oh, that’s easy! He only has one eye!”

The police officer exclaimed: “Are you stupid? He doesn’t have one eye, the picture is the profile of the man!”

Clearly furious by that answer, he asked the second blonde the same question.

“Oh, well… I’d recognize him because he only has one ear”.

The police officer was damn furious and let out a loud sigh before asking the third blonde, and he urged her to at least think through the answer before answering.

“I’d recognize him because he wears contact lenses”, she said.

The police officer, somewhat clearly caught off guard by that answer was curious to see if she was right or not. So she called the photographer from the model agency from where the picture was obtained and asked the photographer for the model’s phone number.

Surely enough, he called the model and the model confirmed that he was wearing contact lenses when the picture was taken.

“That’s amazing!”, he told the third blonde. “How in the world did you know that he was wearing contact lenses?”

“Well,” said the third blonde, “he can’t wear glasses since he only has one eye and one ear”.
“““““

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One morning Dale was sitting on his dock enjoying the sunrise when Dugly pulls up in his boat filled with duct tape. Dale looks at him, and asks “what you doing with a boat full of duct tape?” Dugly replies “I’m going duck hunting! You wanna come?” “You can’t hunt ducks with duct tape, and no I ain’t coming” replied Dale. So Dugly leaves. Later in the day Dale sees Dugly fly by in his boat, and low and behold its full of ducks. “Well i’ll be damned!” says Dale.

The next morning as Dale is enjoying the sunrise, Dugly pulls up in his boat again, this time with a boat full of gatorade. Sarcastically Dale says “Let me guess, you gonna catch gators with gatorade?” “Yep, you wanna come?” says Dugly. “You can’t catch gators with gatorade…No I ain’t coming!” So Dugly leaves. Later that day Dale sees Dugly fly by in his boat, and it was filled with gators. “Well i’ll be damned!” says Dale.

The next morning as Dale is enjoying the sunrise, Dugly pulls up in his boat agian…this time with a boat full of pussy willows. Dale thinks for a second and says…”Hold on let me get my hat”

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The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.”

“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “Do you know how hard it is to make an alligator look like a Dachshund

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A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), “bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $89.00.

The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.”

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then threw him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can’t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $124.00.

The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.” The bartender can’t believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), “bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.” In disgust the bartender says, “what, no drink for me this time?”

The drunk replies, “No, you get violent when you drink.”

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