One day Dugly complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

”Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Dugly figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.”

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: “Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”

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“Zuckerberg introduced a new feature called Graph Search. It delivers search results from your network of Facebook friends, so you can ask questions like, “Who are my friends that live in San Francisco?” By the way, if you have to ask that, you don’t have any friends in San Francisco.” -Jimmy Kimmel

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“It’s an interesting new feature. Soon you’ll be able to find anything you want on Facebook, except for the thousands of hours of your life you lost going on Facebook.” -Jimmy Kimmel

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“When Facebook stock went on the market, it was priced at $38 a share. Now, a share is worth $18.99. Market analysts have said we’re not posting enough pictures of our cats on Facebook.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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A lizard was walking through the forest one day, bored out of his mind. While on the path, he looks up and sees his friend, the monkey, hanging from a tree with his eyes completely shut. The lizard yells “Hey Monkey!”

The monkey wakes up suddenly and replies “Oh hey dude! What are you doing?” “Nothing at all, I don’t have anything to do,” the lizard replied. The monkey says “Dude, I got some of the best pot today. Come up here and smoke some with me!”

The lizard climbed up the tree and smokes with the monkey. After two hours of getting stoned and laughing at silly things, the lizard gets a bad case of cotton mouth. “Hey Monkey,” said the lizard, “I’m so thirsty. I’m going to the river for a drink.” The lizard stumbles out of the tree and gets back on the path towards the river.

He gets to the river and begins to drink. He sees his own reflection in the river. Startled by it, he falls in! Too stoned to swim, all he can do is struggle to get out. And that’s when he feels himself get pulled out by something. The lizard is lying on his back, looking up at a large alligator who just saved his life.

“Hey Lizard!” said the alligator. “What were you doing in the river?”

“I was thirsty man. Dude, Monkey has some amazing pot! You should go smoke some with him!” the lizard proclaimed as he pointed the alligator towards the path into the forest.

And so the alligator is walking through the forest when he sees a monkey dangling from a tree, completely passed out. The alligator looks up and yells “Hey Monkey!”

The monkey wakes up suddenly, looks down for a few seconds and says “Dude, how much water did you drink?”

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It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. “Hey Willis!!” the farmer yelled. “Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I’ll help you get the wagon back up.” “That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

“Nonsense, come on!” the farmer insisted. “Well, okay,” the boy finally agreed, “but Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is your Pa?”

“Under the wagon.”

“““““

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