Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her righthand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.”
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A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings.

As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned.

“Tell me,” she asked the rather elderly salesman, “is there anything special I’ll have to do to take care of this ring?”

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, “one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater.”

——-

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While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,”one says, “but we have no one to go to with our own problems.”

“Since we’re all professionals,” another suggests, “why don’t we hear each other out right now?”

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.

“The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”

The third psychiatrist says, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”

“““““
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Heartless things to say to a women in dressing rooms…

Look, if you’re that desperate to attract a man I’ll fix you up myself

I saw a dress just like that one at Kmart yesterday.

Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were a man…

Size 12? That’s a bit optimistic isn’t it?

Hi, I’m from Weightwatchers…

Isn’t it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that?

I’m sorry, I owe you an apology. I’m store security and I followed you in here because I thought you’d stuffed six dresses, four skirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it’s really all you.

“““““

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