This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, Where are you going ?

He said, Im going to the doctor.

And she said, Why? Are you sick?

No, he said. Im going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, Where are you going?

She said, Im going to the doctor too.

He said, Why?

She said, If youre going to start using that rusty old thing again, Im going to get a tetanus shot.

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On little Larry’s first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, ‘I don’t belong here, I should be in third grade!’

The teacher looked at little Larry’s records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, ‘I don’t belong here, I should be in the third grade!’

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry’s problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions… ‘What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?’ asked the teacher.

‘Legs!’ Larry immediately replied. “What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn’t?’ asked the teacher.

‘Pockets!’ said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, ‘Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!’

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In a pub in Ireland Patrick O’Boyle hoisted his beer and said: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” – and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?”

So he told her: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh,” she said, “that is very nice, dear.”

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy’s drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: “Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?”

She replied: “Aye – and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he’s only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come”.

——-

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A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $50 for sex.”

The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.

After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver’s seat and stared out the window.

“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $60.”

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