The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”

“I’m in love,” the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”

“With YOU!” he said.

“But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Little Johnny said reassuringly, “I’ll use a rubber!”

“““““

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Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lay on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.”

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, “Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.” The two then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this bullsh*t. Gotta go home and have sex with the cat.”

“““““

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One day a father was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and *shock* he hadn’t bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was ‘now or never’, he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the sales employee. When asked what he’d like, he simply says: “a Barbie Doll”.

The sales employee looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, “So Sir, which Barbie would that be?”

The man looks surprised so the sales employee continues, “We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99.”

The man can’t help himself and asks, “why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???”

“Well Sir, that’s quite obvious!” says the sales employee,

“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s furniture ….

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The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Keller, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” No one answered until little Wendy stood up, angry, and said, “You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Keller ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Wendy’s mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?” Finally, Tommy stood up, looked around nervously and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Keller said, “Very good, Tommy,” then turned to Wendy and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Number 1: You have a dirty mind; Number 2: You didn’t read your homework; and Number 3: One day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

“““““

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