A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, “Who is this?”

“This is the maid.”, answered the woman.

“We don’t have a maid!”

“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”

“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”

“Ummm …. she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.”

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $80,000?”

“What do I have to do?”

“I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the guy she is with.”

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the bodies?”

“Throw them in the swimming pool!”

“What?! There’s no pool here?”

Long pause… “Uh …. is this 244-6227?”

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3 guys go camping and are sharing a giant tent.

After a night’s sleep, the guy sleeping on the left of the tent wakes up in a cold sweat and tells the others “I had the most horrible dream that somebody was trying to pull my dick off!”

The guy sleeping on the right says “Weird! I had the exact same dream!”

The guy sleeping in the middle says “I just had a dream that I was skiing …”

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Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog’s parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get another dog??

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting..

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

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A Jewish Man, a French Man, and an Italian man re talking….

The Jewish man said, ‘Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat),we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!’

The Frenchman boasted, ‘Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 10 minutes!’

The Italian man said, ‘Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!’

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, ‘What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?’

The Italian said………… ‘I wiped my hands on the bedspread.’

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