A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new apartment.

“Want to do it?” the husband asked.

“Shhhh!” said his blushing bride. “These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will hear you! Next time, ask me in code – like, ‘Have you left the washing machine door open’ – instead.”

So, the following night, the husband asks: “I don’t suppose you left the washing machine door open, honey?”

“No,” she snapped back, “I definitely shut it.” Then she rolled over and fell asleep.

The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: “I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all…”

“Don’t worry,” said the man. “It was only a small load so I did it by hand.”

——-

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 40th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two huge gators in it. ‘I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.’

So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the tails of the gator come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the alligators are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, ‘I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?’ the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the microphone and says, ‘F*k That, I just want you to point me out the bastard who pushed me in!!!’
——-

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Dugly walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. Dugly says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $9.40 please,” and Dugly reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, Dugly and the ostrich come again and he says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again he reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,” says Dugly. “Same,” says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.” Once again he pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says Dugly, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says Dugly.

The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

Dugly sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

“““““

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Little Johnny comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help.

“Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Johnny Depp for a million dollars. Then go ask you sister if she would sleep with Taylor Lautner for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you have learned.”

Little Johnny is puzzled but decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, “Mom, if someone would give you a million dollars, would you sleep with Johnny Depp?”

His mother looks around shyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, “Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would.”

Then he goes to his sister’s room and asks her, “Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Taylor Lautner?”

His sister looks up and says, “Omigod! Definitely!”

Little Johnny goes back to his father who asks, “Well, what did you learn?”

Little Johnny says, “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. POTENTIALLY, we’re sitting on two million bucks, but in REALITY, we’re living with a couple of whores.”

“““““

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