The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest… and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. “Time to take your temperature, General.”

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

“Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.”

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, “Stay exactly like that and don’t move. I’ll be back in five minutes to check up on you” and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, “What’s going on here?”

“Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?” the general barked.

“Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?”

“““““

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The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

“Howdy, stranger…”

“Howdy, Sheriff…”

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don’t shine.He dropped the horse’s tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

“Hold on, Mister…”

“Sheriff?”

“Did I just see what I think I just saw?”

“Reckon you did, Sheriff…I got me some powerful chapped lips…”

“And that cures them?”

“Nope, but it keeps me from biting em.”

“““““

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Paul was in a terrible accident at work. He fell from scaffolding and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Paul decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plxa Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Paul asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered, “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.”

Paul got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” and she replied: “Well, you have no ears.”

Paul again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Paul was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

“Do you notice anything different about me?” And to his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” Paul was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!”

“““““

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William is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

William: What’s the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

William: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. Confess were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

William: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

William: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

William: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he’s drunk.

——-

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