A regular walks into a bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting him up his usual, and our man, Dave, says, “No, no – just a glass of milk.”

Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has gotten into him?

Dave responds, “Confession, my wife told me that if she catches me coming home late and drunk after I’ve thrown up on myself one more time, she’ll divorce me! And this time she means it. I’m blue…”

“Hey, no problem!” the bartender says as he starts setting Dave up again. “Do you have any big bills on you?”

“Well, sure,” says Dave. “I just got paid.”

“Okay,” says the bartender, “drink all you want and rolf like you usually do, and when you get home and she bitches, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!”

What a great idea, Dave thinks, and starts knocking them back.

Later that night, when Dave gets home late, drunk, and having thrown up on himself, his wife meets him at the door, screaming: “Damn it, Dave – I’ve told you! That’s it!”

“Wait! Wait! It’s not me! Some drunk threw up on ME and gave me this $50 bill to pay for my shirt!”

She yanks the money out of his hand. “Dave, this is a $100 bill.”

“Well,” Dave replies, “that same drunk shit my pants as well.”

“““““

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Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”

“““““

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Ray goes to see a wizard and says: “Can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago?”

“Maybe” says the wizard, “If you can remember the exact words of the curse.”

Ray replies without hesitation: “I now pronounce you as man and wife!”

——-

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A guy went into a public washroom and had to use the only available urinal, which was between two elderly men. He glanced to his left and saw the guy pissing, but there were two streams. “What the hell is that?” he asked.

“War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes.”

Then the guy looked to his right and saw three streams. “What the hell is that?”

“War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes.”

The two veterans then looked over at the guy in the middle and saw 12 streams! “War wound?” they both asked.

“Naah, my zipper’s stuck.”
“““““

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