“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:…
What was I thinking?”

“How could two people as beautiful as you….
have such an ugly baby?”

“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love….
After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

“Congratulations on your wedding day!….
Too bad no one likes your wife.”

“I must admit, you brought Religion in my life….
I never believed in Hell until I met you.”

“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am….
that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”

“As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me.
Like the need for therapy…”

“Thanks for being a part of my life!!!….
I never knew what evil was before this!”

“Before you go,….
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”

“Someday I hope to get married….
but not to you.”

“You look great for your age….
Almost Lifelike!”

“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me….
Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend….
So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”

“We have been friends for a very long time….
What do you say we call it quits?”

“I’m so miserable without you….
It’s almost like you’re here.”

“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy….
Did you ever find out who the father was?”

——-

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A lonely man was thinking of a way to meet a woman to marry.

He researched mail order wives, but it was to much money for him.

So he tried a simple ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

“““““

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Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie’s lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, “I will grant three wishes, one for each of you.”

The first said, “I wish I were smarter.”

So, she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, “I wish I were smarter than she is.”

She became a brunette.

The third blond ordered, “I wish I were smarter than both of them!”

So, she became a man.

“““““

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A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that when pregnant, they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs.

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, banged each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he was woken up by his wife shaking him and saying “Wake up Dear, the pigs are acting strangely!”. “What do you mean?” he asked excitedly, “Are they wallowing in the mud?” “No, ” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”

“““““

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