A man starts his own business. Within a few months his business grows to the point where he needs to hire two employees. He hires a woman named Donna and a man named Jack. Things are good.

A year goes by and the little company’s sales are sagging. The owner realizes that there is not enough work for his two employees and that he must let one of them go. But which one? Both Donna and Jack were excellent employees in every respect.

Tormented by the decision, the owner asks a friend for advice. His friend says “When you go in
tomorrow, watch them both, and fire the first one to take a break.”

So the next day the owner is watching his employees. Donna seems to be having a headache – her brow is furrowed and she’s massaging her temples. She gets up and goes to the medicine cabinet for an aspirin. The owner sees this as a break, and while he hates to do it, this is the signal he was waiting for to make his arbitrary call.

The owner walks over to her and starts out, “Donna, I’m afraid I’m going to have to lay you or Jack off.”
Irritated, she replies, “Can you jack off? I have a headache.”

“””””

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Several nuns are renovating an old church. It’s the middle of summer and with no electricity yet, it’s very hot in the building. One of the nuns decides to take off her habit and strips down to just her panties.
“What are you doing?” yells the Mother Superior.

“It’s so hot in here, Mother Superior!” she replies. “It’s only us in here, so I didn’t think it would be a problem to take off my habit. It also makes it easier to move around and work.”

The other nuns all start agreeing and asking if they can do the same. The Mother Superior tells them, “You may all take off your habits but stay away from the windows. They’re not covered yet, and we don’t want anyone to see.”

The other nuns disrobe and go back to work. All of them are in just their panties, but after about an hour, there’s a knock at the door. They all look at each other nervously because they’re all in their underwear, so the Mother Superior walks over to the door. Without opening it, she asks, “Who is it?”
A voice from the other side of the door says, “Blind man.”

They all breathe a sigh of relief, and the Mother Superior opens the door, saying, “What can I do for you, my child?”

The man says, “Nice tits, sister. Where do you want me to start hanging the blinds?”

“””””

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Dugly is an inmate in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Ray.

After taking some time to size Ray up and decide that he can trust him, Dugly tells Ray about his plan to escape.

“You see, ” Dugly says, “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something, and it comes out broken down into its components.” Ray is skeptical but intrigued.

Dugly continues: “For the last five years, I’ve been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It’s perfect because the guards just think it’s rats chewing on it.”

So Ray asks, “Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?”

Dugly says, “Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we’ll have enough to fashion a rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers.”

Ray, disgusted, says, “You have got to be kidding me!”

And Dugly says, “I shit, you knot.”

“””””

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Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well…until

I decided to tell a few more offensive ones…and picked the worst possible one to start with.
Here’s the joke I told:

“What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw your laundry in.”

One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.

Obviously, I felt mortified as I didn’t know about it, and said “I’m so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?”

“No,” replied the guy. “He choked on a sock.”

“””””

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