It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: “I’m here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for
six generations”

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . .”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“SH*T!” said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

“““““

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A man walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads, “Cheese sandwich: 0.99; Chicken sandwich: 1.50; Handjob: 20.00.”

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses.

“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile. “Can I help you?”

“I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the handjobs?”

“Yes,” she purrs. “That would be me.”

The man replies, “Well, go and wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!”

——-

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A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can’t stand it anymore.

So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey.

He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away.

Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.

As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles.

She smiles at him and says, “I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have.”

“Anything?” he says, getting fairly excited.

“Yes, anything.” she replies.

So he says, “Will you hold the donkey?”

“““““

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Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, “There is a easy way to get what you want.”

The other boy said, “How?” the boy replied, “Tell people you know their secret.”

The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, “I know your secret!” The dad replies, “Please don’t tell your mom heres $10.”

The boy then runs to his mom, “I know your secret!” The mom said, “Please don’t tell your dad here’s $15.”

The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, “I know your secret!” The mail man opened his arms and said, “Come, give your dad a hug!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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