Two rednecks, Randy and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching rasslin’ on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement. A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about the $10,000 dollars prize money for anyone who could defeat “The Killer”.

Randy looked at Bubba, a 6′ 4″ giant with the brain the size of a pea, and got an idea. He told Bubba, “I bet you could beat that guy. He doesn’t look so rough, and you’re no wimp.” Bubba thought about it for a minute and agreed that he probably could.

The next weekend Randy and Bubba went down to the stadium where the tournament was to be held and signed Bubba up. An old man came up and started briefing them on the rules of the contest and such. Randy, seeing Bubba was a bit nervous, asked the old man for any tips. The old man looked up to Bubba and said, “Just you watch out for his pretzel hold. Ain’t nobody ever gotten out that thing.”

One by one, the contestants ahead of Bubba went in and came back balled up and hurting. Two hours after they arrived, Bubba’s turn was finally up. In the ring, right before the bell rang, Bubba looked back at Randy and said,
“Don’t worry buddy. I can avoid that pretzel thing.” But not ten seconds after he had gotten up in the ring was The Killer laying on top of the contorted ball of Bubba and the referee was pounding the mat, counting to ten.

Randy screamed and started walking back to the locker rooms. He was pissed. He had shelled out $500 to get Bubba in this contest, and it didn’t last 20 seconds. But right before he got to the door, the crowd went wild! Randy ran back to the ring to see Bubba with one foot on top of the unconscious Killer and one armed raised in the air by the referee.

Randy ran into the ring and jumped on Bubba. The crowd was out of control, and Randy and Bubba were $10,000 richer!

Later in the locker room, Randy confessed to Bubba he didn’t see what happened. Bubba said, “Well, The Killer got me in his pretzel hold and I thought all was lost. I hurt like I’d never hurt before and all I could hear was the ref slamming his hand down counting to ten. Then I looked and in front of me I saw this big, hairy sack of balls. I had nothing to lose
and figured it might even help. So I stretched a little further and bit down as hard as I could on those things.”

“Randy,” Bubba said. “You wouldn’t believe the strength a man gets when he bites his own balls.”

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A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, “Whoa, I don’t remember eating that!”

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On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” The kid says, “Yeah.” The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.” The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.” The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”

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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
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