Joke of the Day: retired husband and wife

A retired husband and wife in their 60s were dining at an expensive restaurant when a stunningly beautiful young woman in her late 20s came over, gave the husband a big kiss, and told him that she would meet with him later.

His wife glared at him and demanded to know, “Who is that?”

“What’s the big deal,” replied the husband. “That’s my mistress.”

“Your mistress!” snapped the wife. “I want a divorce and I want it now!”

“No problem,” said the husband. “Just keep in mind that I have arranged that everything that I own is protected in an international corporate trust. You can sue me in divorce court but you will get very little — if anything at all.”

“What this means,” continued the husband, “is that there will be no more shopping trips to Paris for you, no more wintering in the Carribean and South America, no Mercedes for you to drive, and no more country club where the rich and sophisticated hang out. The decision is up to you.”

Just then the wife noticed one of the couple’s neighbors from the ritzy area where they lived. “Who’s that young woman with Bill Richards?” asked the wife.

“That’s Bill’s mistress,” answered the husband.

“Ours is much prettier,” declared the wife proudly.

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Joke of the Day: birthday

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I’m stumped.” His buddy said, “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!” So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, “Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?” “She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, ‘I’ll see you in two hours’.”

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Joke of the Day: DEA

The phone rings at DEA headquarters. “Hello?”

“I’m calling to report my neighbor.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, DEA agents descend on the neighbor’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Adrian, did the DEA come?”

“Yep.”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yep.”

“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

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Joke of the Day: drill sergeant

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.” The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”

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