An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years.
Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.”

“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!”

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A judge asked a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.” From out in the audience a man shouted, “Lying bastard!” “Silence in the court!”, the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.” “Tightwad!”, blurted the man again. “Quiet!”, yelled the judge who continued, “You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.” “Son of a…” the man started to shout when the judge thundered back, “If you don’t tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!” So the man answered, “I’ve lived next to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!”

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A bear and a squirrel are walking through their forest community and they stumble upon a magic lamp under the dirt.

Now this magic lamp has been covered in dirt for years and it was glad to be saved, so since the lamp was in such a good mood, he would grant EACH of them three wishes. So he asked who wanted to go first.

Now Bear, being the eager, young creature that he was, went first.

“What do you want for your first wish”? He asked.

Bear replied, i wish, that the hot female bear that lives next to me, was crazy in love with me.

BOOM. it was done.

Sqirrel’s wish was for a helmet.

“A helmet”! Said Bear?!?! “You can get anything and you want a helmet?”

Bear’s next wish was for all the female bears in the forest be really hot and all like him.

BOOM it was done

Squirrel’s second wish was a motercycle. Again bear was dumbfounded but carried on to his third wish.

“Actually, I want every bear in the forest to be female, hot, and really like me” said Bear.

The lamp granted the wish and…

BOOM. it was done

It was Squirrel’s final wish,

“What would you like me to grant you for your final wish” the lamp asked.

After much consideration, Squirrel finaly answered.

“I wish Bear was gay”

And with that, he rode off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think…’ and it sucked her in.

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