Joke of the Day: arsenic

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Diane walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

The druggist asks “Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?”.

Diane replies “I want to kill my husband.”

“I can’t sell you any for that reason” says the druggist.

Diane then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position – the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist’s wife – and shows it to the druggist.

He looks at the photo and says… “Oh I didn’t know you had a prescription!”

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Joke of the Day: Redneck Vacation

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Cletus and Jed were talking one afternoon when Cletus tells Jed, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Betty Lou got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Betty Lou got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Betty Lou didn’t get pregnant again.”

Jed asks Cletus, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

Cletus says, “This year I’m taking Betty Lou with me.”

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Joke of the Day: GI insurance

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Airman Miller was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Taylor noticed that Airman Miller was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Miller’ sales pitch. Miller explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now,” he concluded, “which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

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Joke of the Day: You’re next

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One day a man, went to a wedding and sitting next to him was the bride’s grandma.After the ceremony, she nudged the man and said “You’re next!” The next week the bride died in a car accident, and the man and the Grandma went to the funeral. As they were in line waiting to say their goodbyes, the man nudged the man nudged the Grandma and said, “Just wait, you’re next!”