Joke of the Day: Duncan decides to take a vacation

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Duncan McDaniel decides to take a vacation. So he flies off to Canada for six weeks of hunting and camping.

The guide tells Duncan they have hire all the equipement for the duration, Duncan says (with his heavy scottish accent) Oh eye thats fantastic Paul.

The guide also explains that theyll be hunting moose, and bear, and fishing for salmon and theyll be walking for eight hours before setting up camp. After eight hours of walking they set up camp, and settle down by the camp fire with a hot mug of coffee.

After about 5 minutes this huge moose comes barging through the camp and completely trashes it, while Duncan and the guide dive for cover behind a bush and a boulder. Duncan pops his head from behind the boulder and shouts (scottish accent) WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? The guide shouts back THAT WAS A MOOSE!!! Duncan shouts back IF THATS MOUSE, HOW BIG ARE THE FUCKING CATS AROUND HERE?

“””””

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Joke of the Day: Upstairs with Uncle Greg

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“Hello?”

“Hi sweetheart this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy.

She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Greg.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But sweetheart, you haven’t got an Uncle Greg.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Brief Pause.

“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.”

“And what happened sweetheart?” he asked.

“Well, Mommy got all scared,jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Greg?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? Is this 367-5690?”

“””””

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Joke of the Day: Jason walks in to a bar

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Jason Osgood walks in to a bar,sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender gives him his drink.

Jason says to the bartender, Ill bet you $50 that I can bite my ear!

The bartender says, All right.

Jason takes out his false teeth and bites his ear. The bartender pays him his $50.

Jason orders another drink. The bartender returns with his drink and sets it on the bar.

Jason says to the bartender,I,ll bet you $50 that I can lick my eye!

The bartender smiles and says, I know you cant do that.

Jason takes out his false eye, licks his eye and puts it back in.

The bartender pays Jason $50 and walks away mad.

Jason gets up and mingles for a while. Twenty minutes later Jason sits back down at the bar and orders another drink. The bartender comes back with his drink.

Jason says to him How would you like a chance to win your $100 dollars back?

The bartender looks at him and says, All right what are you going to do this time?

Jason says, You take that beer mug and slide it all the way down the bar,and I,ll pee in it and wont miss a single drop.

The bartender accepts and slides the mug down the bar.

Jason starts pissing and pisses all over the bar, on the cups ,the whiskey,just everywhere.

The bartender says [with a smile], You owe me a hundred dollars!

Jason pays him and walks away.

Twenty minutes later Jason returns to the bar with a smile, and orders another drink.

The bartender brings him his drink and says,Why are you so happy you just lost a hundred dollars?

Jason says, Well, you see those 3 guys over there? I bet them $200 a piece that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldnt get mad!
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Joke of the Day: The Rude Parrot

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Phil Johnson received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude. Phil tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Phil put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

Phil was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.” Phil was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what did the chicken do?”

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