Phil Johnson received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude. Phil tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Phil put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

Phil was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.” Phil was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what did the chicken do?”

——-

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The Male Stages Of Life

AGE DRINK

17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE

17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT

17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 “tongue”
25 “breakfast”
35 “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48 “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66 “Got home alive.”

FAVORITE FANTASY

17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET

17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 German Shepherd
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi

WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

The Female Stages Of Life

AGE DRINK

17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to colour my hair
48 Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 Need to have Francois colour my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 “Burger King”
25 “Free meal”
35 “A diamond”
48 “A bigger diamond”
66 “Home Alone”

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat

WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

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For weeks a 6-year old Little Kevin kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed Little Kevin to feel the movements of the unborn child.

Little Kevin was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, Kevin, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?

Little Kevin burst into tears and confessed, I think Mommy ate it!

——-

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A Little Mikey went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”

The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Johnny Depp for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Johnny Depp for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Johnny Depp for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”

So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Johnny Depp for a million dollars?”

The mother replied, “Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!”

The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Johnny Depp for a million dollars?”

The girl replied, “Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Johnny Depp and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?”

The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Johnny Depp for a million dollars?”

“Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”

The boy replied, “Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and a future congressman.”

“““““

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