A woman was in a coma being cared for by the Intensive Care nursing staff who noticed a little reaction on the vital signs monitor as they washed between her legs during a sponge bath. They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement on the monitor.

As soon as they realised what had happened they went straight to her husband and told him: This may not work, but, maybe some oral sex could bring your wife out of the coma.
The husband remained skeptical, but he finally let himself be convinced.

The nurses took him to his wifes room and explained that they would leave them alone so they could have more privacy, but would be checking her vitals in the other room for any reaction. After a few minutes the monitors alarm goes off and she flatlines…no pulse, no heartbeat, nothing!

The nurses run into the room desperate to help the woman and see what went wrong, asking the husband, what happened?!?

The husband says “She choked.”

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So how bad is the economy really doing, you ask?

Women are having sex with their husbands/boyfriends because they can’t afford batteries.

Jury Duty is now considered a good-paying job.

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

African television stations are now showing ‘Sponsor an American Child’ commercials!

I ordered a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

My ATM gave me an IOU!

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with the purchase was a bank.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald’s is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned the names of their children.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Motel Six won’t leave the light on for you anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street ” Wal-Mart Street .”

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

One of the casinos in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil.

Devil: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell.

Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin’ man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays That’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab, and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Devil: Alright! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie – you’re already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow. That’s awesome.

Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Devil: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you’re dead anyhow.

Devil: You into drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? I love drugs. You don’t mean….

Devil: That’s right Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose – that’s alright – you’re dead, who cares? O.D.!!

Guy: Yowza!! I never realized Hell was such a swingin’ place.

Devil: You gay?

Guy: No….

Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), You’re gonna hate Fridays . . .

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Son, when you participate in sporting events, its not whether you win or lose: its how drunk you get.

Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, youd step over your own mother just to get one! But you cant stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

Whats the point of going out? Were just going to wind up back here anyway.

Im normally not a praying man, but if youre up there, please save me, Superman.

Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…. but what good does that do me?

I hope I didnt brain my damage.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. Its what separates us from the animals…. except the weasel.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Old people dont need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything thats even remotely true!

How could you?! Havent you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didnt hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

You dont like your job, you dont strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. Thats the American way.

Oh, Im in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I dont have to listen to myself. Im drunk.

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