Joke of the Day – captured by cannibals
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Joke of the Day – captured by cannibals

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained the trial to him. “You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten.”

The first apple went in…. but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1….2….3….4….5….6….7….8…. and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?” The second one replied, “I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”
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Joke of the Day – A Blonde’s Year in Review
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Joke of the Day – A Blonde’s Year in Review

A Blonde’s Year in Review:

January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels……Helllloooo!!!……bottles won’t fit in printer !!!

March – Got really excited……finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months……box said “2-4 years!”

April – Trapped on escalator for hours …… power went out!!!

May – Tried to make Kool-Aid……wrong instructions….. 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!

June – Tried to go water skiing……couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition…… learned later,the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!

August – Got locked out of my car in rain storm…… car swamped because soft-top was open.

September – The capital of California is “C”……isn’t it???

October – Hate M & M’s……they are so hard to peel.

November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days …. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December – Couldn’t call 911 …… “duh”…… there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

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Joke of the Day – local church
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Joke of the Day – local church

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”

“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.”

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

“Jesus!”, Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

“Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

“God!” Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

“Right again,” said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?”

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your ass!”

“Amen,” replied the congregation.

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Joke of the Day – Pass the salt darling
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Joke of the Day – Pass the salt darling

A man was invited for dinner at a friend’s house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her “My Love”, “Darling”, “Sweetheart”, etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, “That’s really nice after all of these years you’ve been married to keep saying those little pet names.”

The host said, “Well, honestly, I’ve forgotten her name.

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