Joke of the Day – Control
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Joke of the Day – Control

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”

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Joke of the Day – Drill Sergeant
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Joke of the Day – Drill Sergeant

One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!” Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?” Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!”

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Joke of the Day – What Do You Mean?
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Joke of the Day – What Do You Mean?

What men and women say and what they really mean:

What a woman says, what she really means…
– I need = I want
– We need = I want
– It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
– Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
– We need to talk = I need to complain
– Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to
– I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
– You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
– You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
– I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
– Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
– This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
– I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper…
– I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
– I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
– Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
– How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really going to hate
– I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
– Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
– You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
– Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead
– Yes = No
– No = No
– Maybe = No
– I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
– I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
– Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it
– Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
– I’m not yelling! = Of course I’m yelling, this is important!

What a man says, what he really means…
– I’m hungry = I’m hungry
– I’m tired = I’m tired
– Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
– Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
– Would you like to dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
– Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
– Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
– You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
– What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
– You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
– Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
– Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn’t even look different!
– I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go!

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Joke of the Day – Factory Owner
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Joke of the Day – Factory Owner

he owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise
visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he
noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.
“Just how much are you being paid a week?” said the owner
angrily.

“Three hundred bucks,” replied the young man.

Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner
counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy’s hands, and
said “Here’s a week’s pay — now get out and don’t come
back!”

Turning to one of the supervisors, he said “How long has
that lazy bum been working here anyway?”

“He doesn’t work here,” said the supervisor. “He was just
here to deliver a pizza!”

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