Joke of the Day – Take back those words?
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Joke of the Day – Take back those words?

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole?

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s balls.”

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, “No.” I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?” This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!” While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: “So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced “Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we’re taking off!”. No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and so were half of the passengers.

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Joke of the Day – Man Falls Asleep At Church…
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Joke of the Day – Man Falls Asleep At Church…

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”

“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.”

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

“Jesus!”, Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

“Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

“God!” Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

“Right again,” said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?”

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your ass!”

“Amen,” replied the congregation.

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Joke of the Day – Bar Translations
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Joke of the Day – Bar Translations

“No, really, I’m OK to drive.” Means I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with…

“No, really, I’m OK to drive.” –I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

“I’m not used to these darts.” –I’m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

“Lets go out to my car and get some cigarettes.” (male to female) —You would look great face down in my lap.

“You get this one, next round is on me.” –We won’t be here long enough to get another round.

“I’ll get this one, next one is on you. –Happy hour is about to end….now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.

“I haven’t seen you around here for a long time.” –You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??

“Hey, where is that friend of yours?” –I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

“Lets get out of here.” –I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy’s helmet.

“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?” (female) –I’m easy.

“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?” (male) –I’m gay.

“Ever try a body shot?” (male to female) –I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

“Ever try a body shot?” (female to male) –If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?

“I don’t feel well, lets go home.” (female) –You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

“I don’t feel well, lets go home.” (male) –I’m horny.

“I’ve had like 10 beers already.” –I’ve only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

“Who’s got the next round?” –I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

“Excuse Me.” (male to male) –Get the f*** out of the way.

“Excuse Me.” (male to female) –I am going to grope you now.

“Excuse Me.” (female to male) –Don’t even think about groping me, just get the f*** out of the way.

“Excuse Me.” (female to female) –Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho…Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, like the slut you are.

“I’m out of here, I have to work in the morning.” –I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding him since football season.

“What do you have on tap?” –What’s cheap?

“Can I have a white Russian?” (male) –I’m really gay.

“Can I have a white Russian?” (female) –I’m really easy.

“You go ahead, I’ll catch a cab” –I already lined up a ride home with your “ex”.

“That person looks really familiar.” –Did I sleep with him/her?

“Can I just get a glass of water?” (female) –I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

“Can I just get a glass of water?” (male) –It’s 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking 1/2 hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.

“Do you have any Wild Turkey?” –I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.

“I don’t have my ID on me.” (female) –I’m 19.

“I don’t have my ID on me.” (male) –I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a..4.0 after my last visit here.

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Joke of the Day – Road Rage
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Joke of the Day – Road Rage

 A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof–and the horn–screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant and fully using obscenities, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated ’Christian Fish’ emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”

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