A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, “Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?”

The other guy says, “Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident.

See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I accidentally said, ‘I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’….so she socked me a good one.”

The first guy replied, “Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too.

I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my
wife, “Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.’

But I accidentally said, ‘You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.’

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On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And get me a whisky you cow!” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you idiot”. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick you”.

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”

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Two builders go into the pub after a hard day’s work. They’re sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. “I’ll bet he’s an accountant.” said the first builder.
“Looks more like a stockbroker to me.” argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
“Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?” the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, “I’m a logical scientist.”
“A what?” asked the builder.
“Let me explain” the man continued, “Do you have a goldfish at home?”
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, “Yes, I do as it happens.”
“Well then it’s logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?”
“A pond” the builder replied.
“Well then it’s logical to assume that you have a large garden.” The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, “which means it’s logical to assume you have a large house.”
“I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself.” the builder said proudly.
“Given that you have such a large house, it’s logical to assume that you are married…”
The builder nodded again, “Yes, I’m married and we have three children.”
“Then it’s logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life.”
“Five nights a week!” the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, “Therefore it’s logical to assume you don’t masturbate often.”
“Never!” the builder exclaimed.
“Well there you have it” the man explained, “That’s logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I’ve discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!”
The builder left, very impressed by the man’s talents.
On returning to the bar the other builder asked, “I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?”
“Yeah,” replied the first, “He’s a logical scientist.
“A what?” the puzzled second builder asked.
“Let me explain” the first builder continued, “Do you have a goldfish at home?”
“No” replied his mate.
“Well, you’re a tosser then!”

——-

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When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

“When they’re rich!” Pam, age 7

“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.” Curt, age 7

“The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them…. It’s the right thing to do.” Howard, age 8

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

“I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing … I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out!” Theodore, age 8

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!” Anita, age 9

“Single is better … for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no diapers… Of course, if I did get married, I’d figure something out. I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.” Kirsten, age 10

What Advice Do You Have for a Young Couple About to Be Married?

“The first thing I’d say to them is: ‘Listen up, youngins … I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?'” Craig, age 9

What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get Married?

“A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together.” Marlon, age 10

How to Make a Marriage Work

“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!” Ricky, age 7

“If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes…. Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it.” Lori, age 8

Getting Married for a Second Time

“Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live one.” Angie L., age 10

How Would the World Be Different if People Didn’t Get Married?

“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?” Kelvin, age 8

“You can be sure of one thing – the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now!” Roberta, age 7

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