Joke of the Day – When Reality Is Better then Fiction
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Joke of the Day – When Reality Is Better then Fiction

1. When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.

2. Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: ‘Boy, you sure have got fat in four years.’

3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

4. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car.

5. An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river – and was devoured by piranha fish.

6. A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passerby in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off. The passerby was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.

7. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.

8. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead. (I am not saying this is right… but I understand…It’s a Chicago thang’…)

9. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing.

10. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his imcompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

11. In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but, having no revolver, instead put a semiautomatic pistol to his cousin’s head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semiautomatic.

12. Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their health. However, to compensate for this, condemned men will instead be permitted to chew a stick of celery.

13. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

14. Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol – after he was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport.

15. Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban government, which has banned kite-flying, TV watching and wearing white socks, Iran is also cracking down on its more decadent citizens. Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi has decreed that dog walking is to be made illegal, saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was ‘a public insult,’ as it was a blind imitation of Westerners.

16. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter’s swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say “Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant.” The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?” “Yes, of course I am paying attention ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant.”

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Joke of the Day – Radio Station
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Joke of the Day – Radio Station

A Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), 96 FM, was running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English Dictionary, yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali for a week.

The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two standing out:

DJ: 96FM, What’s your name?

Caller: Hi, my name’s Dave!

DJ: Dave, What’s your word?

Caller: Goan…..spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced ‘go-an’

DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is certainly not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make logical sense?

Caller: “Goan fuck yourself”

At this point, the DJ cut the caller short and announced that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show.

After many more unsuccessful calls, the DJ took the following caller:

DJ: 96FM, What’s your name?

Caller: Hi, me name’s Jeff!

DJ: Jeff, What is your word?

Caller: Smee…..spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’

DJ: We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff. ‘Smee’ can not be found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question: How can you use that word in a sentence so that it makes logical sense?

Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”

……………..

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Joke of the Day – Surgery
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Joke of the Day – Surgery

After a great night of love making, a man in bed turns and spots a picture of another man on the lady’s table. “Who is that? You’re husband?” he asked nervously, “No” the lady replied. “Your boyfriend? Surely its your boyfriend” “no” she said.

“is it anybody you have had any relationship with?” he asked even more nervously. “No silly! you look so hot when you’re frustraited”. “Then who the hell is it?!!?” he cried. The lady replied,

“Me before surgery”

……………..

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Joke of the Day – Little Old Lady In Court
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Joke of the Day – Little Old Lady In Court

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard

……………..

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