An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat he found was one directly across from a well-dressed, middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war-weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?” The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my little Fifi is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip to the end of the train, he found himself once again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat. Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, but you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he might please sit down. The lady said, “Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you’re also very inconsiderate.”

The soldier didn’t say anything else. Instead, he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train, and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, demanding that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding your fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

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A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket…

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he’s writing.

The farmer says “I see you’re being bothered by those circle flies.”

The policeman says, “If that’s what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying.”

The farmer says, “Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses.”

The policeman says, “Hmmm. Did you just call me a horse’s ass?”

The farmer says, “Oh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing.”

The policeman says, “Well, that’s a good thing, then.”

The farmer adds, “But it’s hard to fool those circle flies.”

“””””

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A passenger tapped s Uber driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as an Uber driver driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”
“””””

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A madam opened the door to her brothel to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. “Can I help you?” she asked. “I want to see Vanessa.” the man replied. “Sir, Vanessa is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else?” “No. I must see Vanessa.”

Just then Vanessa appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten 100 dollar bills and gave them to Vanessa, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Vanessa. Vanessa explained that no one had ever come back rwo nights in a row (too expensive) and she didn’t give discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man peeled off ten $100 bills, gave them to Vanessa, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night. But he paid Vanessa the $1,000 and they went upstairs. After their session Vanessa said, “No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” The man replied, “South Carolina.” “Really! I have family in South Carolina.” “I know. Your father died. I’m your sister’s attorney and she asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”