Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“I sure do.”

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” said the redneck.

The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”

Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”

“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”

“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”

The redneck was catching on.

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.

“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“You’re queer, ain’t ya?”

“““““

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3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels’ rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: “Let’s try and fix it. I’ll crawl under the car and take a look. ”

Systems analyst: “No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes.”

Programmer: “Why don’t we just get back in and see if it happens again?”

“““““

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A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”

The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”

“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk – can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says:

“Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!”

“No, no,” says the bartender. “You’ve had too much already.”

The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar.

“Tell you what,” he says. “If I can throw three bull’s eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?”

“Sure,” says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. “Look out, everybody!”

Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull’s eyes.

Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.

“What’s this,” says the drunk.

“That’s a prize for such fine dart throwing,” says the bartender.

The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves.

Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced.

“Bartender,” he says. “Gimme a martini!”

“No, no,” says the bartender. “You’re too drunk already. Go home.”

Again the drunk notices the darts.

“If I can throw three bull’s eyes would you gimme the martini?” he asks.

The bartender thinks, “This guy can’t be that lucky again. I’ll get rid of him.”

“Sure, sure,” he says, handing the darts over.

Bip, bip, bip. Three bull’s eyes.

“Holy cow,” says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it.

“What’s this?” asks the drunk.

“That’s a prize for being such a good shot.”

“Oh,” says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves.

Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar.

“Gimme a martini!” he demands.

“No, no,” says the bartender. “You’ve been overserved already. Get on home.”

Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says:”Would tossing three bull’s eyes prove that I’m not overserved?”

The bartender can’t believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull’s eyes.

“OK,” he says, forking over the three darts.

The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously.

Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull’s eye!

“Unbelievable!” says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail.

“What’s this?” asks the drunk.

“That’s a special prize for being so good at darts,” says the bartender.

“Oh,” says the drunk. “All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?”

“““““

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