A new business was opening, and one of the owners friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said. Rest in Peace
The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, Sir, Im really sorry for the mistake, but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, Congratulations on you new location.

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Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

….Brief Pause.
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it Daddy.”

“And what happened honey?” he asked.

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

….Long Pause

……..Longer Pause

…………Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? . . . Is this 486-5731?”

“““““

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are having lunch and discussing their kids. The brunette says, I cant believe it….I went into my daughters purse and found a pack of cigarettes, I didnt know my daughter smoked! The redhead jumps in and says, you think thats bad….. I went into my daughters purse and found a small bottle of vodka, I didnt know my daughter drank!! The blonde then turns to them and says, you think thats bad, I went into my daughters purse and found a pack of condoms……..I didnt know my daughter had a PENIS!!!!!!

“““““

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A bar in downtown providence had seen a lot of DUI’s lately. Therefore a cop decided to scope it out during closing time.

Right around when it was time to close the cop sees a guy come out of the bar stumbling left, then right. He tripped over the curb, dropped his keys and crawled to his car. After getting into his car he fumbled his keys around and finally got the car to the point of ignition.

As soon as he pulled out of the parking lot the cop pulled him over. He gave him field sobriety tests, in which he passed them all. Puzzled, the cop gives him a breathalyzer with a 0.0 reading. The cop says what gives to the driver.

His reply, I am the DD, designated decoy.

“““““

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