A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”
Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”
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Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’
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A nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence?”
First a little girl says, “The sky is definitely blue.”
The teacher says, “Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black.”
A second little boy says, “Trees are definitely green.”
“Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown.”
Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, “Does a fart have lumps?”
The teacher looks horrified and says, “Johnny! Of course not!!!”
“OK…then I DEFINITELY sh*t my pants!”
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Little Johnny’s teacher got up in front of the class and announced they were going to play a guessing game! The teacher said, “I have something behind my back. It’s red in color and round. It’s soft, but it’s hard.”
Johnny raised his hand and said, “I know, it’s a red rubber ball.” The teacher said, “No Johnny, it’s an apple, but I like the way that you think.”
The teacher grabbed another object and put it behind her back. “I have something behind my back. It’s orange in color and round. It’s soft, but it’s hard,” said Johnny’s teacher.
Johnny raised his hand again and said, “Teacher teacher, I know, it’s an orange rubber ball.” The teacher looked at Johnny and said, “No Johnny, it’s an orange, but I like the way that you think.”
Johnny was now getting the hang of it so he asked the teacher if he could try one. Johnny grabbed an object and put it behind his back and said, “I have something behind my back. It’s pink in color and it’s loooong. It’s soft, but it’s haaaard.”
The teacher, getting upset, yelled at Johnny, “Now Johnny, I’m going to have to tell the principal about this perverted behavior.” Johnny stopped her and said, “But, teacher, all I have is my pink eraser – but I like the way you think!”
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