Hazel was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl.
She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and
made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called
her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor told her, “Your heart would be just below your left breast.”

Later that night Hazel was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

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It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war.
A private came charging into his Lieutenant’s office and said ” Lieutenant, we don’t have enough rifles. What am I going to use for the war?”

“I don’t have time to deal with this right now” the lieutenant thought.

He grabbed a broom, sawed off the bottom, and handed it to the solder. “Here use this instead.”

“How is this going to work?”

“When you see the bad guys coming at you, just point it at them and say ‘Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang'”.

So the private ran out with his new “rifle”. But soon he came running back to the Lieutenant saying “Lieutenant, we don’t have enough bayonets!”

The Lieutenant grabbed a piece of string off of his desk and gave it the private. “When you see the bad guys coming just throw this at them and say ‘Stabity Stab Stab, Stab Stab.'”

So the private was all ready for his war. He was sitting in a fox hole, hating being out there, when he saw an enemy creeping along the top of a nearby hill.

He grabbed his broom, pointed it at the bad guy and said “Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang” and he fell down dead.

“Wow this really works” thought the private. He started going through the underbrush when another enemy jumped out and try to gut him – he threw his string at him and said, ‘Stabbity Stab Stab, Stab Stab!’. The enemy fell down, dead.

Pretty soon, he saw another guy rampaging through the woods. He pointed his broomstick at him and yelled, ‘Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang!’ Nothing, so he did it again, ‘Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang!’ The guy was running at him now. He threw the string, Stabbit Stab Stab StabStab!’ The enemy kept running at him and plowed him over, mortally wounding him.

Then he heard the big guy mumbling as he went past him “Tankity Tank Tank Tank Tank Tankity Tank Tank Tank Tank.”

“““““

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The Day of Judgement has arrived. Major disasters everywhere: flood, fire, disease.
St. Peter has been at the Gates of Heaven for three straight days, asking the millions of victims some very basic questions.
Jesus comes along and sees that Peter is much too tired to continue.

“Pete, take a break and I’ll do this for a while”.
So Jesus takes over and asks each potential resident their name, occupation, and number of children, where applicable.

After a time, an old, feeble man appears before him.
“Your name sir?” asks Jesus
“I don’t know” replies the man.
“Occupation?”
Again the old man replies that he doesn’t recall.
“Number of children?”
“No clue” says the man.

Somewhat exasperated, Jesus starts anew. “Your name really isn’t that important. However, your occupation is. Please concentrate sir; what did you do for a living, how did you gain your livelihood?”
The old man, lost in thought, slowly starts to piece it together.
“Well,” he says “I can recall working with my hands a lot. In fact, looking at the splinters in my palms, I’d have to say that I was a carpenter.”
“Excellent and honorable occupation sir. Well done! Now for the next step: How many, if any, children did you have?”
Once again the old man furrows his brow and tries desperately to remember.
After a long while he says “I’m almost sure I had one child and since I can’t remember any dresses or dolls, I’m sure the child was a boy.
And one more thing, this boy of mine was ostracized because he had holes in his hands, his feet, and his sides”.

Finally piecing the story together, Jesus jumps to his feet, the ultimate realization of who he has encountered striking him like a bolt of lightning.

With tears in his eyes, he yells “Father!!”
The old man, equally moved, rises and screams “Pinocchio!!”

“““““

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A grumpy old man walks into a local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, “I wanna join this damn church.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up, dammit. I said I want to join this damn church!”

“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.” The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There IS no damn problem!,” the man says. “Looky here, I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”

“I see,” said the pastor. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”

“““““

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