Ive never had any major surgery so I consider myself pretty lucky, however not everyone can say that. I get scared just thinking about going under the knife, and if I ever did – these are 10 things that I surely dont want to hear my doctor say….

* Has anyone seen my watch?
* Come back with that! Bad Dog!
* Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then whats that?
* Hand me that…. uh…. thingy over there.
* What do you mean he wasnt in for a sex change!
* Damn, there go the lights again….
* Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
* What do you mean, hes not insured?
* Lets hurry, I dont want to miss Bay Watch

And the number one thing I dont want to her my doctor say during surgery….

* Oops!

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After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.

Confessional BoothAfter a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window…. nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit…. still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.

Finally the dunk yells out…. Aint no use knocking, there aint no paper over here either!

——-

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A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because thats the type of ticket she paid for.

Dumb BlondeThe blonde woman replies, Im blonde, Im beautiful, Im going to Chicago and Im staying right here.

After repeated attempts and no success convicing the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that theres a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, Im blonde, Im beautiful, Im going to Chicago and Im staying right here.

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, You say shes blonde? Ill handle this. Im married to a blonde. I speak blonde. He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, Oh, Im sorry, then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

I told her first class isnt going to Chicago.

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Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what? No the man replied, I work for the IRS.

“““““

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