A blind man with his seeing eye dog are walking down a busy street in New York. The man comes to a cross walk to get to the other side of the busy street. The seeing eye dog proceeds to lead his master across the street in rush hour traffic. Cars are honking horns, screeching their brakes to avoid hitting the man and dog. The man finally makes it across the street, unbelievably safe and sound. The blind man reaches in his pocket for a dog biscuit. One man that witnessed this walked up to the blind man and said “Mister, I just saw that dog of yours take you across rush hour traffic, almost getting you killed and you are rewarding him?! The blind man said “I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to see which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass!”

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Billy Connolly desides to take a vacation. So he flies off to Canada for six weeks of hunting and camping.

The guide tells Billy they have hire all the equipement for the duration, Billy says (with his heavy scottish accent) “Oh eye that’s fantastic jimmy”. The guide also explains that they’ll be hunting moose, and bear, and fishing for salmon and they’ll be walking for eight hours before setting up camp. After eight hours of walking they set up camp, and settle down by the camp fire with a hot mug of coffee.

After about 5 minutes this huge moose comes barging through the camp and completely trashes it, while Billy and the guide dive for cover behind a bush and a boulder. Billy pops his head from behind the boulder and shouts (scottish accent) “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?” The guide shouts back “THAT WAS A MOOSE!!!” Billy shouts back “IF THAT’S MOUSE, HOW BIG ARE THE FUCKING CATS AROUND HERE?
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A man & his wife are in bed one night. The wife wants a bit of action from her husband, but he doesn’t even acknowledge that she’s there, he just continues reading a book. She keeps waiting & waiting for him to make his first move, but he doesn’t, so she gets disqusted & goes to sleep. 10 minutes later, she feels his fingers in her vagina, and says, “oh fred you finally want me?” He replies, “nah, I’m just wetting my fingers to turn the page”

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An Irishman, a Scottishman and an Englishman are all going to be executed by a firing squad. The Englishman is taken out and told to face the wall so he does but just as they’re going to shoot him, he shouts “Earthquake!” and the firing squad runs away. Then they bring out the Scottishman and he faces the wall but just as they are going to shoot he shouts “Tidal Wave!” and the firing squad again runs away. The Irishman is brought out and they tell him to face the wall and just as the firing squad is about to shoot, the Irishman shouts, “Fire!”

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