Two blonde chicks were building a house together. One blonde was cutting the wood and the other was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; the blonde on the ladder would reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.

The other blonde, confused, watched her do this and after she could take it no longer yelled up, Why the %@#& are you throwing some of the nails away?! Whoa! Dont yell! the blonde on the ladder explained, If its pointed toward me when I pull it out of my pouch, I throw it away. If its pointed toward the house, then I can use it safely! Duh!

The second blonde became irate at this point and started to call her all kinds of names, referencing how stupid she was and how she was the reason blondes get a bad rap for being dumb. She explained the importance of keeping all the nails, Dont throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! Theyre for the other side of the house! Duh!

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A wife was begining to worry about her and her husbands non-existant sex life. So one afternoon the woman decided to ask her friend for some advice on how to put the spark back into her marriage.

Her friend gave her some advice that always worked with her own husband. She told the woman that every day before her husband was due back home from work, she puts on her birthday suit and waits at the top of the stairs for him to arrive. when he does, he sees her and cannot resist her and they have wild passionate sex.

The woman ran home and immediately, put on her birthday suit and waited at the top of the stairs for her husband. Within time her husband arrived through the door, looked at her and said what on earth are you doing?

The wife replied its my birthday suit, dont you like it?

The husband responded you could have ironed it first

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This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didnt feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, Happy Birthday!, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone Happy Birthday. I thought…. Well, thats marriage for you, but the kids…. They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didnt say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one oclock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, You know, its such a beautiful day outside, and its your Birthday, why dont we go out for lunch, just you and me. I said, Thanks, Joanne, thats the best thing Ive heard all day. Lets go!

We went to lunch but not where wed normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, You know, Its such a beautiful day…. We dont have to go right back to the office, do we? I replied with I suppose not. What do you have in mind? She said, Lets go to my apartment, its just around the corner.

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, Boss if you dont mind, Im goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. Ill be right back. Ok. I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake….

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there….

On the couch….

Naked.

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A blonde, a brunette and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, red head had Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools.

It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs. The blonde says what are you doing? – and they say were saving it for later!

Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. The clerk says What size? small, medium, or large? She said I dont know…. one to fit a camel?

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