Joke of the Day – an you give me a push?

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a
louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and
there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to
realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push??”
“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the
door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she
says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick
the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house
to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get
lost??”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the
right thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed
and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he
shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push??”
And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

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Joke of the Day – Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man with his seeing eye dog are walking down a busy street in New York. The man comes to a cross walk to get to the other side of the busy street. The seeing eye dog proceeds to lead his master across the street in rush hour traffic. Cars are honking horns, screeching their brakes to avoid hitting the man and dog. The man finally makes it across the street, unbelievably safe and sound. The blind man reaches in his pocket for a dog biscuit. One man that witnessed this walked up to the blind man and said “Mister, I just saw that dog of yours take you across rush hour traffic, almost getting you killed and you are rewarding him?! The blind man said “I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to see which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass!”

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Joke of the Day – Billy Connolly goes on vacation

Billy Connolly desides to take a vacation. So he flies off to Canada for six weeks of hunting and camping.

The guide tells Billy they have hire all the equipement for the duration, Billy says (with his heavy scottish accent) “Oh eye that’s fantastic jimmy”. The guide also explains that they’ll be hunting moose, and bear, and fishing for salmon and they’ll be walking for eight hours before setting up camp. After eight hours of walking they set up camp, and settle down by the camp fire with a hot mug of coffee.

After about 5 minutes this huge moose comes barging through the camp and completely trashes it, while Billy and the guide dive for cover behind a bush and a boulder. Billy pops his head from behind the boulder and shouts (scottish accent) “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?” The guide shouts back “THAT WAS A MOOSE!!!” Billy shouts back “IF THAT’S MOUSE, HOW BIG ARE THE FUCKING CATS AROUND HERE?
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