Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, red head, and a blonde) and they were all pregnant.

The burnette says, I know what Im going to have. The other to asked how she knew. She replied, well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a boy.

The red head said, If that is true then I will have a girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved.

The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, PUPPIES, PUPPIES!

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A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

Oscar, what happened to you?, asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

I got a ride down here in some guys mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off, wheezed Oscar.

Let me give you a tip, old pal, said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?

So you can imagine the fleas surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar – looking more chilled and miserable than before.

Listen, said Oscar, I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off.

And so? asked the first flea.

And so the next thing I know, Im on this guys mustache again!

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Finally, after all these years of trying yo-yo diets…. phentermine, hoodia, cialis (no wait thats for erectile dysfunction)…. finally some diet tips that actually work. Enjoy feeling better about yourself.

1. If no one sees you eat it – it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes never counts such as: hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sarah Lee cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you – then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods dont count because they are simply part of the entire entertainment experience and not part of ones personal fuel; such as Milk Duds, popcorn with extra butter, and Junior Mints.

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After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide) So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didnt want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest man, but I dont see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me — I dont want to go deaf!

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldnt be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . ., at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand .

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