After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
August 7: Moved a, ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
October 15: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’

“””””

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A man, obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people. At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is sentenced, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he is led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and… nothing happens.
There has never been a failure before. Since you cannot punish a person twice for the same crime, the court is forced to let him go free.

Within a week’s time, naturally, the man, who is obsessed with trains, goes and steals another one. He doesn’t care that he can’t drive it or that he failed catastrophically before; he is obsessed with trains and his only desire is to operate one. As before, he crashes it, and kills several people. Again, he stands trial, and again, he is sentenced to death, showing no remorse, only delight that he got to operate the train.

His last meal request is again a single banana.

When he goes to the chair, the executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. As before, he goes free again.

The train-obsessed maniac, once more on the loose, wastes no time in hijacking a train and crashes it.
His trial is swift, as this has already happened twice, and he is again sentenced to death. They ask him what he would like for his last meal.
“A single banana,” he says.

“Oh, no you don’t, you son of a bitch. We’re on to you, now. We know all about your little banana trick, and you’re not escaping this time!” The guards refuse his request, and instead serve him a standard last meal of steak, potatoes, and berry cobbler.

The next morning they strap him into the electric chair, pull the switch, and… nothing happens.
“Did you give him the banana?” demands the head guard.

“No, sir! He asked for the banana but we didn’t give it to him, we swear!” says one of the guards.
Turns out the banana had nothing to do with anything. He was just a really bad conductor.

“””””

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An unemployed guy sees an ad in the paper that says “Photographer wanted for Miami based luxury bikini line”. Thinking it to be a joke, the guy calls the number in the ad.

“Hello,” he says. “Is that photographer ad a joke?”

“No,” says the voice on the other line. “One of our photographers died suddenly last week, and we’re looking for a new one.”

“Cool! I’ve been looking for a new job for a while, and this seems like it could be a very fine job for me.”
“Great! Are you married? Our models tend to get uncomfortable when they have pictures taken by married men.”

“No, I’m single.”

“Nice! Are you able to control yourself around women?”

“I am more than able!”

“Wonderful! Do you have a passport? We sometimes do shoots in exotic locations.”

“I do have a passport!”

“I’m delighted to say that you are qualified for the job! How quickly can you get to Vermont?”

“Vermont?! I thought you were based in Miami!”

“We are. Vermont is where the line for the interview starts.”

“””””

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Simple old man goes to the doctor

The doctor prescribes him a medice and tells him:

“You have to take this through your rectum”

Old man doesn’t quite understand, goes back home and asks his wife:

“What’s rectum?”

“I don’t know, why don’t you go ask the doctor”

Back to the doctor’s office he tries to explain:

“You have to insert it in your anus”

Confused again he asks his wife:

“What’s anus?”

“I don’t know, go ask to doctor again”

“No way! If I go back there a third time he’ll tell me to shove it up my ass”

“””””

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