A man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife, “Your butt is as wide as the grill.” She ignores the remark. A little later the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed. He measures her rear end and gasps, “Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!” Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, “If you think I’m gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you ARE mistaken.”

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A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for. “Oh those”, she replied, “every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box”. Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, “But what about the $7,000?” “Oh that”, she replied, “every time I got a dozen I sold them.”

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A plane was delayed for nearly an hour on take-off. When it eventually took to the air, the passengers asked the flight attendant the reason for the late departure.
‘Well,’ she explained, ‘the pilot was worried about a noise he heard coming from one of the engines and it took us a while to get a new pilot.’

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When a priest was pulled over for speeding, the police officer noticed an empty wine bottle in his car and could smell alcohol on his breath.
‘Father, have you been drinking?’ asked the officer.
‘Only water, my son’ replied the priest.
‘Then why can I smell wine?’
The priest looked at the wine bottle and exclaimed: ‘Oh my Lord! He’s gone and done it again!’

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