A Pagan died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate. “You can’t come in here,” St. Peter said.

The Pagan asked why…

“You’re Pagan … I’m sorry”, St. Peter replied. “But Hell isn’t so bad. Your friends are there, and they say it’s good.”

The Pagan was depressed, but went anyway just because he was, well – Pagan…When he arrives in Hell, he sees a beautiful green field with amusement rides, and people picnicking and having a great time…A man in a white suit comes over to him and presents himself as Satan, and then tells him of all the delights to be had in what appears to be a 5-star resort…

“Woww!” thinks the Pagan, “Hell isn’t so bad! I’m happy to be here.”

Suddenly, the sky gets black …and fire spews from the ground. A screaming, flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed up by a crack in the earth…After he disappears, everything returns to how it was again…

“What in Hell was that?” the Pagan asks Satan…

Satan replies, “That was a Christian. They wouldn’t have Hell any other way!”

“””””

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A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady : “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied : “Oh Well now That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

“””””

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After watching the Tour de France for several years running, a guy decides that he’s going to get into cycling.

So he buys himself a brand new road bike, and sets out for his first long ride. He’s pretty fit, and takes a long route over several hills. But on his way back, he finds that he’s just too tired to continue, and just can’t make it back up over those hills.

He decides to try to catch a ride back, but traffic is light, and nobody stops. Finally a guy in a Porsche pulls over and agrees to give him a ride. Despite his good intentions, the driver soon discovers that the bike doesn’t fit in his car. “I have an idea,” he says. “I have a rope in the back of my car, so I’ll tie one end to my back bumper, and the other end to your bike. If I’m going too fast, just ring the bell on your bike, and I’ll slow down.”

Off they go, and everything goes fine for the first 20 miles or so. Our friend driving the Porsche regularly checks his mirrors to make sure that our cyclist is doing okay, but all is well, so the driver puts on some music, and starts to relax.

He’s just enjoying the scenery, tapping his hands to the music, when a Corvette blows by him at over 80 miles an hour. Completely forgetting the cyclist he is towing, the Porsche driver instantly puts his foot on the gas to give chase, quickly accelerating to over 90 miles an hour.

Down the road a police officer has set up a speed trap, and is clocking traffic with a speed gun. In complete disbelief, he phones in to his superior back at the station. “You’re not going to believe this, but I just clocked a Corvette and Porsche speeding through a 40 zone at over 90 miles an hour,” he says. “And that’s not even the amazing part. Right behind them there’s an incredible guy on a bike, ringing his bell, trying to pass!”

“””””

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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!” So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks. But one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?” The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

“””””

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