Jokes Blogger

Joke of the Day - Corporate Signs

What’s Your Business Sign?

(1) MARKETING
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least >>compatible with Sales.

(2) SALES
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree.” You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can “concentrate on the big picture.” You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

(3) TECHNOLOGY
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

(4) ENGINEERING
One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest “ergo dynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel syndrome.”

(5) ACCOUNTING
The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

(6) HUMAN RESOURCES
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

(7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers” as everyone in your social circle is a “Middle Manager.”

(8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above - Same sign, different title)

(9) CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions.

(10) CONSULTANT
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your “skills” are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

(11) RECRUITER, “HEADHUNTER”
As a “person” that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

(12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO
You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

(13) GOVERNMENT WORKER
Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job….Thus the term “GO POSTAL”

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Add comment July 23rd, 2008

Joke of the Day - school

Mom goes to son’s room to wake him up. “Okay, son, time to wake up! Time for school!” Son, in a surly mood says, “I don’t want to go to school!” Mother insists, “You must, son, now come on!” Son replies, “I don’t want to go! The kids all make fun of me. They hit me. They throw things at me! I don’t want to go!” Mother says, gently, “Son, you know you have to go to school.” “Why do I have to go to school?” Mother replies, “Because you’re the PRINCIPAL!”

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Add comment July 22nd, 2008

Joke of the Day - Student Project

A man entered a restaurant and bar and sat himself at the bar for a drink. He noticed a beautiful girl at the other end of the bar seemingly alone. After some time he picked up his drink and went to sit beside her and asked “Can I buy you a drink?” She replied in a loud voice “A motel!” “No!” he replied I just offered a drink. All the people in the restaurant were then staring at him. “I just offered a drink”, he said. She replied “Why should I go with you to a motel?”

“Oh forget it” he said as he left to return to the other end of the bar. What a kook he thought. About 20 minutes later she came to his end of the bar and said; “Sir, I’m sorry to have embarrassed you but I am a student at the University and I have to do a term paper on reactions to embarrassing situations. I hope you will forgive me, since this was just part of my research.” He looked at her, and in a very loud voice said, “TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS?”

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Add comment July 21st, 2008

Joke of the Day - Exclusive Colony

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, “Sir, did you call for me?”

Bob replies, “No, what do you mean?”

She says, “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down, and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says, “Sir, did you call for me?” Bob says, “No, what do you mean?”

“You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.” The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. “May I help you?” Bob says, “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 membership fee.” “But Sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities…”

“Listen lady, I am 67 years old. I get a hard-on once a month—but I fart 15 times a day!”

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Add comment July 20th, 2008

Joke of the Day - Words to work by

Always give 100% at work …….

12% On Monday
23% On Tuesday
40% On Wednesday
20% On Thursday
5% On Fridays

And remember …….

When you’re having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.

Now get back to work.

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Add comment July 19th, 2008

Joke of the Day - Why Questions

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?

Add comment July 18th, 2008

Joke of the Day - Vulgar Joke

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty joke, Two of the female students in the class decided to walk out on next the next joke.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of hookers in Los Vegas?”

With that, the two female students stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor. “The bus doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

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Add comment July 17th, 2008

Joke of the Day - Weird Science

These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.

“When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.”
“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water”
“When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide”
“Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state”
“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”
“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”
“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”
“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”
“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”
“A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”
“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”
“The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.”
“The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.”
“The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”
“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”
“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”
“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”
“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”
“Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”
“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”
“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”
“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”
“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”
“Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”
“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”
“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”
“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.”
“To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.”
“For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.”
“To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.”

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Add comment July 16th, 2008

Joke of the Day - Whiskey and Worms

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. “Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. “Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked. Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms”

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Add comment July 15th, 2008

Joke of the Day - Ya Might be ah Redneck If

You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

Jack Daniel’s makes your list of “most admired people.”

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it..

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Add comment July 14th, 2008