Joke of the Day: in labor

A woman was about to go into labor when the doctor revealed a revolutionary new device that could transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father.

The woman’s husband, being the nice, loyal guy he is, decided to man up and take some of the pain for his wife. The doctor started at 20%. 20% of the pain was transferred, but the husband didn’t feel anything. He says, “crank it up, doc.” The setting goes up to 40%. The husband still doesn’t feel anything. He says, “I’m still okay. Crank it up, I’m sure I can handle it.” The perplexed doctor raises the setting to 60%. The husband, still completely unfazed, says, “Wow. This is 60%? I don’t know what she always complains about.” The doctor, now beginning to doubt the device, cranks it up to 100%. The woman delivers her child painlessly, and the husband still doesn’t feel anything.

The happy couple go home, where they are greeted by a neighbor. He says, “You wouldn’t believe what happened when you were gone! The mailman suddenly fell to the ground, screamed in increasing agony for 20 minutes, and died!”

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Joke of the Day: Captain’s Daughter

A captain brought his daughter on board of his ship and forbid every sailor to have sex with her. He didn’t tell any of his crew, but he put razor blades in his daughter vagina for safety measures because he didn’t trust anyone of them. Each week, the captain will check the dick of his sailor and kill everybody who’s dick missing.

So the first week past and it was time for a checkup. He line up 10 of his sailors and ask them to put down their pants. 9 out of 10 have lost their dick. The captain, furious, kills the 9. To make an example of the tenth he said to him:

-Son for your honesty I will promote you as my assistant!

The sailor could not believe his ears and with joy he replies:

-Tkacjk ylgf cajhdehn!

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Joke of the Day: Blonde Speeding

A blonde is speeding down the highway. When a female officer, another blonde, spots her and pulls her over. She asks the driver for her license…

Blonde driver says, “What’s that?”

Blonde Officer : “Its a square with your face on it.”

The blonde driver ruffles through her bag and after a few seconds produces a square make-up mirror and hands it to the blonde officer. The officer looks into the mirror and says to the driver, “Why didn’t you tell me you were a cop? I woulda let you go!”

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Joke of the Day: Gas

A young man visits his girlfriend’s parents for the first time. He and his girlfriend’s father are sitting in the living room while the girls make dinner.

At the foot of the boyfriend’s chair lies the family dog, Rover. After a few minutes, the young man feels the uge to fart. Unable to hold it in, he attempts to let it out silently, but it comes out audible.

“Rover!” Yells the father.

Feeling relieved the dog was blamed, the young man let’s another rip, this time a bit louder.

“ROVER!” Yells the father again.

Feeling one last wave of gas, the boyfriend let’s out a nasty, wet, stinker.

“ROVER, GET OUTTA THERE BEFORE HE SHITS ALL OVER YOU! ”

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