Joke of the Day: In heaven

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter looks through his book and tells him “I don’t see any reason why we should let you in. You don’t seem to have done anything worthy in your life.”

The guy replies: “what about the time I was driving and saw a woman with a flat tire beside the road? A bunch of bikers had surrounded her and were giving her a hard time. I stopped and got out; they turned on me so I grabbed a tire iron and told the bikers to back off.”

St. Peter: “You really did that? When did this happen?”

The guy: “About 5 minutes ago!”

“““““

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Joke of the Day: She’s Paranoid

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I’m following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified?

Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it’s not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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Joke of the Day: Pirate at Doctor

A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles he has on his back may be cancerous.

The doctor inspects them.

“It’s ok,” he says. “They’re benign.”

The pirate replies “Check ‘em again matey, I think there be at least ten!”

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Joke of the Day: The Golden Bar

A man comes home late at night and he is pretty smashed. His wife who was worried sick asks “Where the hell have you been?” “The Golden Bar”, the man replies. “It’s an awesome place. They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer of course and even a golden urinal.” The wife is not convinced that her husband is telling the truth, so she looks up the Golden Bar in the phonebook and calls them up. “Do you really have golden chairs at your bar?” – Absolutely ma’am. “And what about golden glasses?” – Indeed we do. “And golden beers?” – Most certainly. “And even a golden urinal?” – Hold on a minute ma’am… Johnny, I think I have a lead on the guy who pissed in your saxophone.”

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