Musician gets a job

A pianist is down on his luck, and been without a job for a while. As he’s walking down the street one day, he passes a pub with a sign outside that says, “Pianist Wanted.” He walks in, and says, “I saw the sign outside, I’ve played the piano my entire life, and I need a job. Can I audition?”

The manager says, “Sure, play me a song.”

So the man starts to play. The song is a catchy tune, and the manager starts to clap his hands and tap his feet. As the song ends,the managers says, “I loved it! What’s the name of that song?”

The man says, “I call that one, ‘Your sister is a whore!”

The manager is startled, but he asks the man to play another. This time, he plays a song so beautiful, that the manager is wiping tears from his eyes by the end. He then asks,

“What’s that song called?”

The man replies, “That one’s called, ‘I’m going to fuck your ass until your hemorrhoids bleed!”

The manager, shocked, says, “Look sir, these songs are beautiful, but if you’re going to play in my pub, you cannot tell the patrons the names of your songs.”

“That’s fair,” the man replies.

So later that night, pub is full. Everybody is drinking and dancing to the songs on the piano, having a great time. Eventually, the pianist gets a five minute break, so he rushes to the bathroom to have a pee. In his rush to get back to the stage, he forgets to zip up his zipper.

As he makes his way across the stage, a patron in the first row stops him, saying, “Sir! Do you know your fucking dick is hanging out of your pants?!?!?”

The man smiles, and says, “Know it? I wrote it!!”

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On a train

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks ‘I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.’

The blonde thinks ‘I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.’

The Frenchman thinks ‘I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.’

The Englishman thinks ‘I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.

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Cop pulls over lawyer

A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer.

The cop asks the lawyer “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“I haven’t the foggiest idea,” said the lawyer.

The cop replied, “You didn’t make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down.”

The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, “If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I’ll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?”

The cop ponders it shortly before nodding his head. “Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?”

Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the cop pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, “Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?”

“““““

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Kid’s weekend

It was Monday morning in Ms. Hill’s kindergarten class, and the kids were taking turns telling the class how they spent their weekend.

Adam raised his hand and said, “I went on a choo-choo!”

Ms. Hill replied, “Very nice Adam, but let’s try to use grown-up words. You went on a train.”

Lisa was next to raise her hand. “I went to the pet store and got a new kitty.”

Again, Ms. Hill reminded the children to use grown-up words. “Lisa, you got a new cat.”

Finally Johnny raised his hand and said, “I read a book with my aunt.” Ms. Hill said, “That’s wonderful! Do you remember the name of the book?”

Johnny stood up tall and proudly exclaimed, “Winnie the Shit!”

“““““

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