Joke of the Day: Dude in hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.

Satan: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell!

Satan: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don’t worry about getting a hangover because you’re dead anyway.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Satan: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow… that’s awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Satan: Well on Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt… you’re dead anyhow. Do you do drugs??

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…

Satan: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares.

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You gay?

Guy: No…

Satan: Ooooh You’re gonna hate Fridays.

——-

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Joke of the Day: 40th birthday for turtles

Four turtles were celebrating their 40th birthday together, when they ran out of ice cream. They decided the oldest one, Fred, should go to the store and get more.

The rest of them waited for Fred to come back, but after a couple of days they started getting frustrated. The youngest one said, “Poor Fred. Ever since he turned 40 years old he is really getting slow.”

A voice from behind the door said, “If you’re gonna start saying bad things about me behind my back, I’m not even going.”

“““““

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Joke of the Day: Two guys at a bar

Two guys are walking their dogs down the street. One has a golden retriever the other a Chihuahua. As they are going along the one with the retriever sees a bar. He turns to his friend and suggests they go in for a quick drink. His friend says “That would be great but see the sign, no dogs allowed”. The guy turns to him and says “Don’t worry, just do what I do”. So the guy puts on some sunglasses and goes into the bar with his retriever. The tender turns to him and says “Hey! No dogs allowed”. The guy quickly retorts “Oh no, this is my seeing eye dog”. The bartender says ok and lets him sit.

His friend thinks about it and figures, why not. He puts on some sunglasses and walks in. The tender quickly turns and yells, “Hey! No dogs allowed in the bar!”

The friend quickly replies “No, you don’t understand. This is my seeing eye dog!”

The bartender replies skeptically “A Chihuahua is your seeing eye dog?”

“THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?!”
——-

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Joke of the Day: A politician passes

A politician passes away and arrives at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him. “Nice to meet you! You should know we give you the choice of whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.” “How do I know which one to pick?” the politician replies. “We let you spend a day in each, and then you may decide.” The politician agrees and is sent to the heavenly realm first.

The experience is okay. He mostly sits around on the clouds singing and playing the harp, and exchanging some pleasant conversation with the angels. He goes back to Peter the next day, and is sent to hell this time.

The elevator arrives at the bottom, and the doors open. He is in a beautiful garden, it’s sunny, and there is a nearby golf course. A bar in the pristine looking garden keeps the drinks flowing: beer, cocktails, wine, whiskey, whatever the heart could imagine. There is also a buffet. All his friends and family that have passed away are there, and they greet him cheerfully. Even Satan is there, and he ends up being a really nice and cool guy who assists the politician in whatever he can. After chatting with them for awhile, the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen comes to him, and they end up having the best sex he has ever experienced.

At the end of the day, the politician goes back to St. Peter. “I hope you enjoyed the tryouts sir. What do you choose, heaven or hell?” The politician replies “well Peter to be honest heaven is great and all, but I really enjoyed hell a lot more. I’d like to go there.”

His wish is granted. When the elevator doors open in hell, he is greeted by horror. The whole place is dark and gloomy, his friends are screaming as they are burning in pits of fire, and demons walk around beating with pitch forks those who try to escape the flames.

The politician walks up to Satan and demands an explanation. “Yesterday it was so nice! A garden, golf, beautiful women, free food and drinks. Yet today you are torturing my friends. What the heck man?” The devil (no longer friendly and cool as he was the day before) smiles slyly. “Sorry for the mixup. But you are a politician, so surely you understand: yesterday we were campaigning, but today you voted.”

“““““

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