Joke of the Day: Italian math

An Italian wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test.. ‘Here’s your first question,’ the foreman said. ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9’.

‘Without a numbers?’ the Italian says, ‘Datsa easy.’ and he proceeds to draw three trees.

‘What’s this?’ the boss asks.

‘Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,’ says the Italian.

‘Fair enough,’ says the boss. ‘Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.’

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . ‘Ere you go.’

The boss scratches his head and says, ‘How on earth do you get that to represent 99?’ ‘

Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.’

The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, ‘All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.’

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says: ‘Ere you go. One hundred.’

The boss looks at the attempt. ‘You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!’

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, ‘A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whena I start?

——-

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Joke of the Day: Headaches

After a consultation, the doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You see, your testicles seem to be pressing on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache.

I can relieve the pressure by removing the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in fifteen years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need… a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the man behind the counter, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.”

Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “I’ve been doing this all my life!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt to go with the suit?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” The tailor eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”

Joe was surprised, That’s right, how did you know?” “Been doing this all my life.” Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the tailor asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”

The tailor said, “Let’s see… size 36.” Joe laughed, and said “No no, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The tailor shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache!”

——-

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Joke of the Day: Prisoners

One day in the West a rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea.

He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in prison for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in prison will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople. The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face. After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin. The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.” The man asks, “Why not?” And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”

“““““

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Joke of the Day: Taxi Driver

A taxi driver speeds through a red light without even looking, and the passenger says, “whoa, what are you doing?! That was a red!”

The driver replies, “don’t worry about it. My cousin, he does it all the time.”

The passenger sits back until the driver blows through another red. He practically leaps out of his seat, “what are you doing?! You’ll get us killed!”

The driver waves him off, “nonsense. My cousin, he does it all the time.”

Then they come to a green light and the driver slams on the brakes and creeps into the intersection before taking off again. Now the passenger is livid.

“What was that?! That light was green!”

The driver nods and then shrugs before replying.

“My cousin. He mighta been coming.”

——-

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